When Friends Fight!!!!

I often ask myself why people who wrong you, expect you to apologies to them.

Last week my friend Clora and I were driving and we were having a heated discussion about love and relationship. The conversation seemed to spiral down a road that brought up some old memories for Clora and she became aggressive.  I mentioned the word cheating and noted that sometimes doing it for revenge is not the best option. Clora said “really, really now well mi don’t care!” I surmised at that moment that she either had done it, or had intentions to.

Being my pushy self, I continued to interrogate. “Clora, why are you being so loud, are you a cheater”, I laughed. “Please leave me be, ‘dun the argument’. “Clora I am serious, if you have not already don’t”. “Grieve is too much”. Grieve, grieve, please it is the best thing I ever did. The look on his face when I sent him the pictures of my actions. He saw me and my lover doing things I never did with him. Trust me girl, just the thought of it made me happy”. “Were you happy, Clora?”.

Well that led to me getting a whole lot of Jamaican bad words, lengths and lengths of clothes.  I shouted right back and then I told her to get the f**K out of my car.  I stop the car on the middle of the toll booth and you know once you start driving there is no turning back. She looked at me with disdain and anger. She was mortified. But being Clora, she open the door told me to f**k-off and step-out in all her dignity as she slapped the door behind her.

Well, I drove off as mad as f**K.  Cussing as I drove.  “How dear she, I said”. I drove for about five 10 minutes before I came to my senses.  I proceed to call, but she never answered me. Clora was always proud and stubborn and if it was not so late; I would not have even considered making another attempt to call her. But it was 3am in the morning.  I called and she did not answer.  So I kept driving but with lots of worry.

Was I wrong or was she.  Should I apologies?

WHEN THE HEART IS NOT READY!

I was at a friend’s house some week ago and she was sharing a story about your boyfriend.  Apparently he had cheated on her a few years back, and she had decided to forgive him. But, in doing so she believed that it was a wrong decision to make because she had already lost her position in his heart.  In tears she spoke about his treatment towards her; how cold he had become and how his utterances pierced into her like a dagger.   As she spoke I looked at her trying to withhold my own tears. I couldn't resist, and so I asked her why she stayed.  She looked up at me with half a smile and said “it is easier to stay than to go. The pain I feel when I am away from him hurts more than how he treats me”.

Not understanding, I sat in silence gazing at her in confusion and I repeated the words in my mind “it is easier to stay than to go. The pain I feel when I am away from him hurts more than how he treats me”. I thought long and hard because I did not want to say anything to hurt my friend but I know that I needed to help her to walk away from this painful and damaging relationship. I was silent for a good five minutes, as I pondered and then I spoke slowly and carefully. “I understand what you are going through; I also know that it is hard to start over. You have given so much of yourself to this man. But do you believe that there is better out there for you. Have you ever wondered if after the tears and the pain there could be happiness, if you decided to walk away.

In tears, she lifted her head and looked upon me with her big brown eyes and said, “all the questions you are asking I have also asked myself. I have tried to walk away but the pain is so so unbearable”. The constant gazing, the constant crying walking up at nights drowning in my own tears.”  The pill I take for release, is going back. For the first few days or weeks I am happy. We laugh, we hug, we make love and we talk. And, I just watch like a painting that becomes wet and the ink runs the scene becomes blurry and the things that once brought life and laughter in the room turns cold and unfamiliar. This is the motion of my life. I am on a roller coaster. One minute I am laughing and then I am screaming and without even thinking I start to cry.”

At that point I knew that I needed to be patient. I need to stand down. Because, if the heart is not ready, you can’t force the heart to change. She is my friend and I love her but I know that if I push her she will block me out. I know how to pick my battles.

Do you believe that I made the right decision?

ERADICATE SELFISH PARENTING!

For many, the act of parenting is individualistic task (a selfish task, many may say), parents are potentially the most influential individuals in child’s and are considered the child’s first teacher. It is from the parent that the child learns his first lesson in socialization, values and attitude.  

However with the multiple sources of support needed to assist in the development of the child the task of parenting is becomes a collective task; the parent is not the sole source of nurturing. The parent relies on other persons and entities to provide guidance and support, family members, friends, the Government, the school and the community.  Each of these pillars is critical in the development of the child. As a country, it will become very important for us to think of every child as our own. The selfish comments such as: “it is not my child, so I don’t care” or “I don’t want anyone to parent my child” needs to be stop. As well as the act of selfish parenting: playing of laud music, using profanity in the presence of children, exposing the children in the community to or involving them in inappropriate behaviour such as: allowing children to participate in seductive dances, have pornographic conversation or exposing  to act of sexuality activities from community TV or through the street dance. 

The act of selfish parenting has tainted the behaviour of our children, no longer do they listen to adults when they try and counsel them on the streets when they are found to be engaging in inappropriate behaviour; the first thing that is uttered is “you not my parent, you can’t talk to me”. The parents are the once who have cultivated this kind of disrespectful behaviour. 

The “Old Time Parenting” in Jamaica made children actions accountable to the community. The child knew that if they were caught doing or seen as an participating in wrong doing then the adult present would reprimand the child and then report the action to the parent. Parenting involves raising children to be healthy and competent adults who are capable of functioning independently in the world - A.J. Thomas (2000).  In this regard, the welfare of children should be that of the community, and the child should be schooled in the home to respect the community and to acknowledge the role that the community plays in their lives.  A community is a collective body of people (churches, business, family, non-family members, sports and other community groups) who interact as a social unit towards a common interest or goal. It is in this context that selfish parenting must be eradicated and the renewal of community parenting advance. 

While it can be understood that culture has evolved and family life differs from life in the 1950s in the areas of time, income and cost of living, demography, and the fact that more women are working and spending less time at home; causing a shifting in attitudes, economics, and social norms of how children are cared for (Farkas, Duffet & Johnson, 2000). In addition, parents are also struggling with multiple new entities (e.g., TV, computers, Internet, social media, smart phones, etc) that compete for their children’s attention and contribute to a loss of family connectedness and community.  

However, it must be understood and appreciated that parenting is a “societal construction”, and that construction includes multiple messages from policymakers, popular media, researchers, and educators (McCasline and Infanti (1998). In previous generations when parents had a parenting question or concern, they would seek advice from the elders in the community or ask an experienced relative. Community parenting concept is not new, and is personified in the old Jamaica saying "It takes a village to raise a child".

The field of parent education is beginning to use a community paradigm to accomplish better parent-school communication and neighbouring support generate positive student outcome (Villa, 2003). School principals could benefit from developing advisory groups to share their visions and ideas for improving educational outcomes. Parents would benefit from doing the same. McIntire (1999) has noted that parenting today is challenging because of the dangerous examples and attitudes to which children are exposed... Let move collective towards creating a better though positive and effective parenting.

As so eloquently stated by Dr. Pauline Mullings (Chairperson of the National Child Month Committee, 2013) “Adults, parents and caregivers, it is high time that we rise up and understand that our duty, our job, our assignment, our mission is to show Jamaica’s children how much we care by shielding them from child labour, sexual immorality, drug abuse, negative media and the internet influences.

If we put our hearts and soul together as a nation and work towards one common goal “enacting effective parenting for optimal child outcome” we will see a change not just in the social etiquette of our children, but a steady decrease in crime as our children become educated and our nation become more productive in thoughts and our action allowing for an economy to grow through the eradication of selfish parenting and re-inclusion of a community based parenting in our social structure.

A mother's conversation with her Step-son about what makes a woman happy

Yesterday I was talking to my 14 year old Step-son and he asked me to tell him the things that made a woman happy. Before I proceeded, I asked him why he wanted to know. He said that when he grew up he wanted to be a good husband to his wife because he wanted to make her happy all the time. So what can a mother do when her son makes a statement like that, but answer the question asked.  So I proceeded.

 The Conversation

"Son, the first the think that you need to do is to know who you are to be comfortable with yourself, this will allow you to accept your partner for who they are and love everything about them, including their imperfections.  He looked at me puzzled and said, I do not understand. I then asked him are you perfect, is there anything about you that you do not like or are not comfortable about. He smiled and said no I am not perfect, I do not like my ears they are too big and I hate having to wait on people, it annoys me.  "But I love your ears, they actual stand up when you get excited and I love that you do not like waiting on people, it tells me that you are independent". He smiled. I then asked him what he does not like about me, he looked up eyes bright but worrying, and said 'I do not like when you get upset and shout it makes me feel bad. I prefer when you talk to me. When you shout you are speaking at me and not too me". "WOW!  Interesting. Do you love me less because I shout". "No Mom I actual miss it sometimes especially, when I am away on holidays. I would remember and smile". I smiled and said, that is a part of who I am son, loving me means accepting me even with the shouting. But before you can do that, you have accept yourself and acknowledge that we all have imperfections, including you.  He smiled and said "oh now I understand, I have to love everything, even the things I can't stand". and we both laughed.

I continued to to answer the original question, "so now that we have that cleared the second thing is to show affection and give compliments. "A woman likes to feel loved,  a hung, a peck on the cheek, holding her hand, telling her that you love her, telling her that she is beautiful and  that you like that shade of lips stick or outfit makes a woman feel special. Buying her a  nice gift for no reason makes her know that you are thinking about her, calling her just tell her that you love her is something that brings her joy. What it does too, is shows her that you appreciate having her in your life". "I understand that mommy, so should she do the same for me, I want to feel special too". Yes I replied, all that I am telling you goes for both the man and the woman. And so he nodded.

The third thing and one of the most important is respect. You must respect her, to do this you must be mindful of how you speak to her, choose her words carefully and  don't say things that will hurt her.  "So what if she  says things to hurt me". "Son, love is not a game, you are not competing. Yes she may say something or do something that hurts you. It does not mean that you should hurt her back, walk away and at a later time let her know how it made you feel". "Mom that is hard to do". "I agree Son, but love is hard. To show respect you will have to comprise, you will need to be strong enough to admit when you are wrong or tell the other person when they are wrong and you do not have to be disrespectful to get the message a cross". "It takes setting boundaries". "Mommy, boundaries I am not going to be a child." "Son, boundaries are not for children alone; respect requires communication, your partner must know your likes and dislike and vice-versa and that is why it is import for you to be self-aware". He shook his head and said, Mommy that is a lot of work. "Yes, Son it is, but if you love someone you will do all that is possible to make them happy". "Like what you do for me". It took a lot of composure for me not to cry as I never knew that my son was so mature. Yes, Son is all I could say. 

The forth thing is that you must show appreciation. In a relationship both parties do things for each other you need to always be grateful enough to show gratitude. Say thank you, let her know that you are thankful for the support and help. "I show gratitude to you Mommy". "Yes you do Snon, and I too say thanks to you when you help me or say something nice to me." 

"Son, supportive is the next thing you must be. You have to be there for her when she needs you, even when you yourself is not in the mood, this too is compromise. For example if she is sick you need to help her get better, if she is going to school you stay-up and help her study. A good partner must also ensure that his woman is supported financially, emotionally and socially. You need to date your spouse though-out the relationship, this too makes her feel special and shows her that you appreciate her". "Mommy, I like the support part, you do the same things for me, you even date me". I could do nothing more, than reach out and hold his hand.

"The final thing that you must do is be honest. Do not tell lies, do not cheat. A woman hates that and it hurts her. This is where she begins to doubt you and does not believe you and what you say."  This can also break up the relationship because she does not trust you anymore". "So that is why you get upset with me, when I tell you lies, because you don't want to break-up our relationship". "Yes son, I want to always no that I can trust you and trust your word. I woman needs that re-assurance". I understand Mommy, I will always be truthful and honest, I don't want my wife unhappy and I will never cheat on her". I can not or I would not have loved her. You do not cheat on me Mommy and you are always truthful even when you know it will make me cry". "Yes Son, and that is when you led support and hug her show her that you appreciate her and will be there no matter what." Being in a relationship requires commitment, even when it hard to do so"

"Mommy, I know now what a woman needs and I can fulfill them." Me, being the proud mother I just sat there smiling, feeling very proud that I had imparted so much good qualities on my step-son, sub-consciously through my own actions.

Don't Keep Secrets!!!

It is very difficult to understand how, we tend to believe that as parents our children will not understand if we talk to them about our past and how it has hampered or made us who we are today.   We live in fear, believing that that they will look down on us if they know that we are not perfect, if they know that we are not super-people without any imperfections.

The truth is, when our children know our past it often provides them with a better understanding of who we are as a parent, as a person and why we do what we do or why we push the way we do.

 As a child my mother was very vocal and open about your childhood years, she said that "as poor as I am, I have a legacy of memories to leave for my children". Legacy of memories indeed, I think I know my mother more than I know myself. She was never cagey about the bad or the good things that she did in her life, about the mistakes that she made, the regrets she had. And each story shared, ended with an advise. These were moments that I looked forward to.  My mother, made her children her friends. 

I remember she telling me about how she lied that she did not drinking ginger beer (because the truth was she loved it so much) and how every Sunday she would sneak into the kitchen to drink out the ginger beer that her Aunt made and then filled  up the remainder with water so that know one would know.  But she never ended their because in the midst of the story she convened of the moment she got caught after being successful for several weeks and months. She said that it was during the Easter holidays, her Aunt had asked her to watch the chicken in the pot as she went in the house to fetch something. But being daring she proceed to steal a little bit of that tasty ginger beer and as she commenced to throw it into the cup, she saw her Aunt's shadow appear. My mother said that she hurriedly tried to hide the cup but her Aunt had already seen; the next thing she knew was that she felt a hard strike in her neck back. The strike was so hard that the cup and its content fell to the ground. Though I laughed and laughed franticly, my mother quickly gave a lesson about doing things in the dark, thinking that no one would know or find out.  She explained that when we do things that are wrong and don't caught we proceed to repeat the action over and over and over again until it becomes a habit, like in her case.  And, when we finally get caught ("cause it will happen, we either get caught by our conscious or by someone else") the guilt and shame of it and the lose of trust from the individual did not warrant the act.

When you share your past with your child and make yourself vulnerable, they realize that you are human, it also shows your children that you are not perfect but teaches them to do the right; as they would have learnt from your errors and from your mistakes. 

Growing up I gave little trouble, I dropped into little potholes as I usually pondered on the stories my mother shared with me and used them as my examples. I saw first hand, how some of the woes in her life affected her and it made me make a lot of positive decisions.  Even as a teenager, I did all that I could to stay in school, to get a good education and it was strictly based on my mother's experiences. She did not need to lecture much, she taught us using her own life experiences.

So don't hide your past, especially from your children.  Your life experiences can help them through their own life journey.

I won't wait on you forever!

This past week was very difficult for me; it was hectic at work several unrealistic deadlines to meet and on top of it on the eave of both my mother's and my mother-in-law's birthday my boyfriend of 18 years decides to tell me he can't keep waiting on me. At that precise moment when I heard those words I was very upset as I could not fathom how he could make such a statement. I uttered some unpleasant things including him being selfish and unreasonable. When the truth is I was the one being unreasonable, you see, from the inception of the relationship I was busy building my career and taking care of family with a view that he would always be there.

Everyone around us relationship has blossomed, my little sister got married, his little sister and brother moved in with their spouses. He lives with his two children and I still live with my parents. Can you believe, that I only spend weekends and probably a few days in the week with him.  I do two jobs and I spend my weekends preparing for class and doing research. Looking at it, I have a relationship with me and my career but not with him. This man has allowed me to build my career, he has really been patient. I may loose him if I don't revise my objectives and priorities.

I had noticed changes in the relationship, we talk to each other less, we spend less time hanging out but we argue more and everything is all of a sudden a constant burden. Maybe this week, is my wake up call.

I called my sister and she said that I needed to think about what I wanted. Wow, I want him and my career.

He wants me to commit to the relationship, I seem to be able to commit to everything and everyone but him. He doesn't deserve that. He has been through a lot even more so in the last six years, losing his father, then his sister and then his mother. And, waiting to see if I love him enough to commit. I do love him and the thought of losing him really scares me.

He has expressed himself, he has played his card and it is now my time to move. I have a lot to think about.