Time... Makes or Breaks a Relationship

We have all heard that sex is the most important ingredient in a relationship. And while I believe it has its role; time in my opinion is the most important element as its glues all the other ingredients in a relationship.

Time is what is needed to get know and understand each other. It is time, that builds friendship, which is needed to connect socially, emotionally, physically, psychologically and even sexually. Creating time for your partner demonstrates the commit you have to the relationship and its sustainability.

If we look at it,  time is really the main feature in all forms of relationship even as a parent you have to create the time to get know; in order to fulfil the needs of your children.

It is not that complicated.  The complication comes when you make excuses for not being able to spend time.  We often use work, school, friends  or our children as a crutch; when all it boils down to is time management and prioritizing.  Building a relationship takes conscious effort to factor your spouse in your calendar. Yes, I said  the calendar that little tool that structures your professional life add your personal and family appoints. The friends hang out taking priority over family and spouse time; also need to be monitored.  I agree that we need time away from our spouse, to chill and unwind; but  must not be that hanging out with friends whether it be on the phone or in person okay and the spouse takes the back seat. Building any relationship takes time hence you need to balance.  A good way to balance this is to do check-ins with your spouse find out if you are spending enough time by asking. Have structured date nights and find time just to talk.  Spending time together helps to keep the connections and improves the sex life as well as the friendship.

If time is not taken to keep the communication flowing and continuous bonding. Remember,  to never become complacent in your relationship.  Use time as a tool to help keep your relationship on point and keep you communicating and connecting in all levels.

Procrastinating- Good or Bad?

Nope I can do it tomorrow!!!

Nah not, now later!!!

Please why now, I have time!!!

These are phrases that we use to delay and stall our progress and with one word, these can be described as Procrastinating.  Over the past week, I did a mini survey with some close friends to find out why they thought people procrastinated.  These are a few of the responses:

• Inability to self-motivate -  most times people find it hard to motivate themselves to get up and start, especially when they feel like the task is unpleasant or boring. 
• Doubt - the "I won't success any way" syndrome and the saying "I don't try I would not have failed".
• Low self-esteem -  lack the confidence to try, insecurities, not able to fulfil others expectations and standard.
• Being anal - trying perfect every aspect of the  task can become stressful and cause persons to pause  which will also make them become stressed.
• Inability to recognize incremental achievements - not being able to see the small things and how they add up.
• Not wanting to - rebelling about doing what needs to be done.

The feeling to procrastinate is something that we all face at different points in our lives. No one is immune from it. 

How many times have you used the phrase “I work better under pressure” or "I promise myself that I will finish a task" when I am in the mood?” 

Depending on the situation, depending on the circumstance, our mood or the reason for not doing;  we must admit we go through procrastination. The outcome however is never worth the "procrastinating"!. Note that even after procrastinating the task is still not done and the outcome is sometimes catastrophic and can even affect others.

During the mini survey one of the respondent said that "shrugging it off, is fakes the mood, for a moment" and that makes you feel good as you do not have to face what is to come.  "The fear of the unknown is worst than actually doing". 

But the truth is, the only thing that procrastinating does; is rob us of the most precious thing "TIME". It also prevents us from truly being able to accomplish and reach our full potential. 

One why to beat the 'procrastination disease', yes I said it disease, is to create a 'things to do list'. The list should be dated and updated each day.  At the end of the week it should be compared to the list that you had started with. So that you can measure how much you actually  got done.  Remember when doing your 'things to do' be realistic, note that not all the tasks will be completed "AT ONCE".  

The second is to always looking at the bigger picture. Doing things a little at a time means that you are making strides towards something bigger. Always remember the why! Start by saying I will because......

And finally recognize that you may need help to move, so reward yourself. For every-time you complete a task, do something big!!!!

Walking with my Baggage

Have you every felt like you can't go on.... Like the world is on your shoulders and the storm will never stop...

Life sometimes can be cruel, plaguing us with so much uncertainities; and as we struggle with our past and our inhibitions we seem to be unable to move forward. The baggage that we carry, often makes us question our strength. 

I met a young lady, who in tears said that she was not strong. And, as she spoke she said "you don't know what I am going through, I am weak". I looked at her and said, "no, you are not weak it is the baggage that you carry that is preventing you from moving forward". She smiled as her eyes filled with water.

As we conversed, and she shared her story; it dawned on me that even with incremental progress, even with incremental success she still could not embrace the new opportunities that life presented. 

The reality is that when we go through hurt, disappointments and deceptions; if we have not dealt with it and accepted what has happened it will be difficult for us to continue with our lives. We, must also understand that our strength sometimes will come from support and not many of us can overcome by ourselves.  

In our conversations, she also shared that she did not want "hand-outs", "she wanted to make it without seeking help from anyone". And, while I understand  not wanting to let someone into your space because of fear of being disappointed. We need to realize that in this journey of life; that we all need support and that we all need someone. 

Further, we must understand,  that though the journey is ours, we can't always walk the journey alone without a helping hand.  I expressed this to her, and noted that just talking with me is proof that she needed support.

We ended the conversation where she acknowledged that she needs help to release the baggage so that she can face the future and what it had to offer.

The lesson to learn here, is that while we can never erase our past. We must never let our past hinder our future.  Instead, it must be used as our example for moving forward. In addition, we must understand that we all need a hand sometimes, a voice of reason and that individual that we can lean on to help us ride the storm.

  

If the heart is not ready there is no hope….

Today, as I sat listening to Lisa talk about her relationship it dawned on me that if the heart is not ready, there is no hope. Lisa has been with Paul for nineteen years and during that time he has not only cheated on her but as had a child in the relationship, has been physical and disrespectful.

As she spoke and I looked at her, her eyes were red and I knew the tears wanted to fall but it just couldn’t; her pain was more unbearable that she than she could bear. I held my friends and looked at her and I said: “Lisa is it worth it, nineteen years and nothing has changed, it has only gotten worst”. As I spoke, Lisa closed her eyes and squeezed my hands and said “you don’t understand, I have tried to walk away, we have children and they look to both of us for stability. We have been together for so long, that I don’t know how to move on. Peta, I have even moved out. But my heart leads me right back. And each time I hope it will get better, but it never does”.

Being the friend that I am and knowing that she just wanted to talk, I just sat and listened. Has she continued, “Peta, when I met him and we decided to be together we made a pact that we would grow old and die together”.  At that moment, I could not resist, I had to put in my few cents. “So, he went on a weekend with a female, you found out, you spoke to him about it, he simply hung up the phone without a responding. This is not his first, second, or third indiscretion. And, you sit here talking about “pact”? What pact? Sorry, to rub salt in the wound but the only person who made a pact is you!” My friend pulled her hand away and the tears that lingered but could not fall start to pour. And for a minute, I felt bad because I made my friend cry. And I realized that the wounds were very raw and deep.

“Lisa my love, I am truly sorry, I was out of order to have said that, it was not my place”. Surprisingly, she looked at me with a half of a smile and said, “Peta, I have for ten years now new that that pact made nineteen years ago, was only made by me.  I live everyday wanting and trying to run. However each time I make an attempt, my body says run but my heart keeps me coming back. And, when I return it is perfect but it only lasts for a moment.

As I watched my friend, I just could not phantom living her life and walking in her shoe. She as a beautiful home, three beautiful children and financial stability. However the things that she has worked hard for: the happiness and the man who loves and will cherishes her she does not have and will never have if she stays in this relationship. As I watched my friend I realized that I could not help her, that I could not comfort her because I was so upset. Don’t get me wrong, I understood that her fear was not just about leaving him, but also about giving up on a love that she had built for more than over a decade. So I sat and I listened and I held her hand because my silence meant more to her than my words.